Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
