Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
