Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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