so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
