I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
