you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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