Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
