Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
