hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
