to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
