"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
