if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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