apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
