i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We left the knife in your bed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
