u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
