did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
