I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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