what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
