I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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