i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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