I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
