I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
