I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
