Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
