This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
