You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
