I am spending my child support on dildos
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
