ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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