i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
