Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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