In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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