you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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