How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
