The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
