Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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