I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
