youre lurking in front of me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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