I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
