i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
