**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
