Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
