My room smells like vodka and shame
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
