Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
