If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
