Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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