i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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