So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I need water and some morals
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
