you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When did angry sex become our thing?
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It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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