she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
