you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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