He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
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the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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