My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
