all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
