Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
