I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
