dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
