i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
