Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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