I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
